Social and Emotional Vulnerabilities of Gifted and Talented Children
Most people think of gifted children and being little "Supermen" and "Superwomen" who float through school effortlessly, are great team captains, student council presidents, the one with the lead role in his/her school play, and live a life of great grandeur and success. Yet, this truly is not the case. The parent of a gifted child is much less likely to have a bumper sticker on their vehicles that says "My Child Made the School Honor Roll" than the parent of a high achiever. *Note: Only an estimated 25% of gifted and talented children are even considered to be labeled as "high achievers," and some of the 25% will eventually get bored enough at school that they will begin to develop a rebellious school attitude and slack in their studies. For example, they will pass all their tests and pop quizzes with flying colors, yet refuse to submit or even do any homework.
So, why are so many of our gifted and talented children struggling? Why do some of them continue to struggle in college and even into adulthood? Why are so many of these bright kids not living up to their potential? I my opinion, it is because while their intelligent quotient is higher than average, their emotional quotient (emotional stability) is low. This results in a rise of behavior and emotional issues that, if not corrected, will negatively impact them for the rest of their lives. This purpose of this article is to inform parents, teachers, and counselors of gifted, talented, and creative children the top six factors that have been researched and statistically proven to promote not only rebellion but social and emotional issues for gifted children. With this knowledge, we gain a deeper understanding of our gifted children and how we can best help them develop into functional, successful, and the beautiful masterpieces they were designed to become.
The Primary Factors Against Gifted Children
There is research that gives evidence that gifted and talented children are more vulnerable to behavioral and even psychological problems, and some of the primary factors of such problems arising include:
· Asynchronous development
· Difficulties with peers (children the same age as the gifted and talented child).
· Unrealistic expectations from both parents and teachers
· Parental confidence at home in regard to rearing and disciplining a gifted child
· Excessive and even inappropriate use of praise
· Parental over-involvement in a child's life
As an expert in the field of intelligence, creativity, and giftedness, I agree that the above factors are critical in the healthy development of gifted and talented children. As a collegiate researcher, I feel confident stating that these factors still arise in the research today. As a former life coach and counselor of gifted teenagers, college students, and emerging adults, I can state that I have witnessed all of these factors in my clients' lives. And, as a gifted adult, I can tell you that I struggled with some of these factors myself-especially the asynchronous development and difficulties with peers factors.
Asynchronous Development and Difficulties with Peers
An estimated 95% of same-aged children in a classroom will develop physically, emotionally, socially, and intellectually as their peers. If they are in first-grade, they will physically look like their peers. They will have the same emotional reactions and responses as their classmates. They will interact with each other similarly. And, intellectually they will learn at about the same rate and have similar interests and even hobbies as their peers. Thus, they have a good foundation of common ground with the other children in their classrooms.
Gifted, talented, and creative children do not develop in sync with their same-aged peers. Physically, they tend to either hit puberty earlier or later than the other children their age. Emotionally, they have a tendency to over-react to things, because they have a tendency to be much more sensitive than other children and this can dramatically impact their social skills at home and at school. Furthermore, their intellect is much higher than the other children in the classroom and they have a tendency to have different interests than the other children in the classroom. When the other kids are into recreating Spiderman scenes, the gifted child may be more interested in researching dinosaurs or the latest Apps available on the IPhone.
It is easy to see how gifted, talented, and creative children do not have as much in common with their same-aged peers, and this can become an obstacle for them in developing friendships with other children their age. Furthermore, the gifted child's differences in interests or even physical development can set the child up to be a target for potential bullying from other students who see their peer as being different and weird.
It is important for parents to give their gifted children opportunities to meet other gifted children so they can learn the art of friendship. It is not uncommon for gifted children to seek out older children or even adults as their friends, since they get along better with people older than themselves. Many times, these children have more interests in common with those older than themselves as well. Furthermore, as they age, gifted individuals have a tendency to be more about friendship quality than they are popularity. Thus, gifted children, teenagers, emerging adults, and even adults exhibit higher levels of emotional investment into their friends.
Unrealistic expectations from both parents and teachers
It is easy to have unrealistic expectations of gifted children as either a parent or a teacher, and, oftentimes, these expectations lead to frustration, tension, and even fighting between the authority and the child. Hopefully, shining light on some of the most common issues will help the gifted child not get so stressed trying to live up to everyone's expectations, not becoming an underachiever while rebelling against authority, and bring more peace into the home and even classroom.
One common unrealistic expectation that many parents and teachers have is that a gifted child should take all advanced/honors classes. This is simply not the case. A person can be gifted in spatial relations but not english, or they can be gifted in science but not history. It depends on the child's aptitude in a given course and his/her interest in the course material. It is normal for a gifted child to take a variety of classes and not all of them be honors or advanced placement. There is no reason to stress out a child by placing them in courses that, although they can figure it out, will have to struggle with and even begin to disdain. Allow them the opportunity to enjoy learning so they will not begin to get a negative mindset toward school or even their ability to understand things. Many gifted and talented children begin to lose their self-efficacy in various school classes because of just one bad experience in a classroom.
A second very common unrealistic expectation is that gifted and talented children can take care of themselves. Parents and teachers, without realizing it, often neglect the gifted child and focus more on the "children that really need their help." Just because a gifted child may not be struggling with his/her homework as much as other children does not mean that he or she is not struggling with being included or accepted by his/her peers. Gifted children may be able to carry-on a conversation with an adult, but that does not reflect emotional maturity. What an adult would know as a teasing remark due to life experience, a gifted child may actually take that comment to heart and get his/her feelings hurt. An adult understands the "rules of engagement" in society but gifted children do not. They do not understand when to speak and when to be quiet about certain topics. Even though gifted children oftentimes come across as little adults, they are still very much (especially socially and emotionally) children.
Parental confidence at home in regard to rearing and disciplining a gifted child
Parents, here is some good news for you. If you ever question whether or not you are doing right by your child, you are not alone in that questioning. The majority of parents I have met at conferences, in my office, on the road, or even read about in the gifted research question whether or not they are raising-up their gifted and talented children correctly. Also, giftedness is a biological trait, thus your child got his/her gifts from, at least, one of the parents, and that gives you a 50/50 chance of being the parent who passed on the gifted gene. Lastly, through reading articles like this, talking with other parents, joining organizations like the Social and Emotional Needs of the Gifted (SENG) or any number of online resources, etc...you are educating yourself to be an even better parent and this will build your confidence as well. While you are educating yourself about your child's unique traits and gifts, here is some advice for you in regard to parenting gifted, talented, and creative children.
In regard to handling defiant behavior, realize that consistency works. You have to train a child (gifted or not) in the way he or she should behave in a variety of situations. It is ok to run around the yard yelling while playing soccer, but that is not acceptable in the middle of a Parent Teacher Association (PTA) meeting or at an organizational event such as church. Whether you believe in spanking or not is a personal choice, but in either case, please explain to your child (1) exactly what his/her behavior was that got him/her in trouble and (2) why that type of behavior is unacceptable. Please do this explaining without stating, "Because I said so." This is will only ignite their already built-in ability to have issues with authority.
Do not negotiate with your child over topics that you know you will not even consider budging upon. This only frustrates the child and a frustrated gifted child can be difficult to handle and reason with at times. If your child would rather rake the leaves then take out the trash, then negotiate on that,but if you have a strict policy on no swearing than do not allow the child to swear without consequences. Try to develop a routine of when to do homework, what weekly chores need to be completed, and how you are going to spend quality time with your child that day so he/she will not what is expected of him/her and not get confused in an environment of ambiguity.
Be genuine and honest with your child. Do not use excessive praise or inappropriate use of praise just to make them feel better about a situation, a grade, or anything. False praise will lead to a false sense of self-esteem and this can easily lead to a child developing a sense of entitlement and even narcissistic tendencies. Praise your child, but make sure that the praise is genuine. It will mean more to the child, to you, and it will build a sense of self-confidence in your children.
Lastly, give your child room to breathe. Parental over-involvement only hampers healthy development. Oftentimes, children who have what is known as "helicopter parents" begin to rebel while they are in high school or even middle school. They feel hurt that the helicopter parent does not trust them enough to let them have the freedom to live their own life and then come home and share with the family what they did that day. They want to be trustworthy, but they need you to help them by giving them opportunities to display that they are, indeed, trustworthy kids.
On the other hand, children who have a parent or parents that are overly involved in may develop a sense of codependence upon their parent(s) and never feel confident enough to take the initiative to be independent emotionally, socially, or even financially. A child in this predicament will not live up to his/her potential. Their emotional, social, and even, sometimes, financial growth is stunted and they could be well into adulthood before being able to take a risk on anything that does not directly involve their parents. Please do not be an obstacle in your gifted child's life by being overly involved with them. Enjoy your gifted children. They will grow-up to be some of your closest friends. Let them learn to fly on their own and then watch the show of their lives. You will be able to feel great pride in your children and they will honor you as they soar with their gifts.
So, why are so many of our gifted and talented children struggling? Why do some of them continue to struggle in college and even into adulthood? Why are so many of these bright kids not living up to their potential? I my opinion, it is because while their intelligent quotient is higher than average, their emotional quotient (emotional stability) is low. This results in a rise of behavior and emotional issues that, if not corrected, will negatively impact them for the rest of their lives. This purpose of this article is to inform parents, teachers, and counselors of gifted, talented, and creative children the top six factors that have been researched and statistically proven to promote not only rebellion but social and emotional issues for gifted children. With this knowledge, we gain a deeper understanding of our gifted children and how we can best help them develop into functional, successful, and the beautiful masterpieces they were designed to become.
The Primary Factors Against Gifted Children
There is research that gives evidence that gifted and talented children are more vulnerable to behavioral and even psychological problems, and some of the primary factors of such problems arising include:
· Asynchronous development
· Difficulties with peers (children the same age as the gifted and talented child).
· Unrealistic expectations from both parents and teachers
· Parental confidence at home in regard to rearing and disciplining a gifted child
· Excessive and even inappropriate use of praise
· Parental over-involvement in a child's life
As an expert in the field of intelligence, creativity, and giftedness, I agree that the above factors are critical in the healthy development of gifted and talented children. As a collegiate researcher, I feel confident stating that these factors still arise in the research today. As a former life coach and counselor of gifted teenagers, college students, and emerging adults, I can state that I have witnessed all of these factors in my clients' lives. And, as a gifted adult, I can tell you that I struggled with some of these factors myself-especially the asynchronous development and difficulties with peers factors.
Asynchronous Development and Difficulties with Peers
An estimated 95% of same-aged children in a classroom will develop physically, emotionally, socially, and intellectually as their peers. If they are in first-grade, they will physically look like their peers. They will have the same emotional reactions and responses as their classmates. They will interact with each other similarly. And, intellectually they will learn at about the same rate and have similar interests and even hobbies as their peers. Thus, they have a good foundation of common ground with the other children in their classrooms.
Gifted, talented, and creative children do not develop in sync with their same-aged peers. Physically, they tend to either hit puberty earlier or later than the other children their age. Emotionally, they have a tendency to over-react to things, because they have a tendency to be much more sensitive than other children and this can dramatically impact their social skills at home and at school. Furthermore, their intellect is much higher than the other children in the classroom and they have a tendency to have different interests than the other children in the classroom. When the other kids are into recreating Spiderman scenes, the gifted child may be more interested in researching dinosaurs or the latest Apps available on the IPhone.
It is easy to see how gifted, talented, and creative children do not have as much in common with their same-aged peers, and this can become an obstacle for them in developing friendships with other children their age. Furthermore, the gifted child's differences in interests or even physical development can set the child up to be a target for potential bullying from other students who see their peer as being different and weird.
It is important for parents to give their gifted children opportunities to meet other gifted children so they can learn the art of friendship. It is not uncommon for gifted children to seek out older children or even adults as their friends, since they get along better with people older than themselves. Many times, these children have more interests in common with those older than themselves as well. Furthermore, as they age, gifted individuals have a tendency to be more about friendship quality than they are popularity. Thus, gifted children, teenagers, emerging adults, and even adults exhibit higher levels of emotional investment into their friends.
Unrealistic expectations from both parents and teachers
It is easy to have unrealistic expectations of gifted children as either a parent or a teacher, and, oftentimes, these expectations lead to frustration, tension, and even fighting between the authority and the child. Hopefully, shining light on some of the most common issues will help the gifted child not get so stressed trying to live up to everyone's expectations, not becoming an underachiever while rebelling against authority, and bring more peace into the home and even classroom.
One common unrealistic expectation that many parents and teachers have is that a gifted child should take all advanced/honors classes. This is simply not the case. A person can be gifted in spatial relations but not english, or they can be gifted in science but not history. It depends on the child's aptitude in a given course and his/her interest in the course material. It is normal for a gifted child to take a variety of classes and not all of them be honors or advanced placement. There is no reason to stress out a child by placing them in courses that, although they can figure it out, will have to struggle with and even begin to disdain. Allow them the opportunity to enjoy learning so they will not begin to get a negative mindset toward school or even their ability to understand things. Many gifted and talented children begin to lose their self-efficacy in various school classes because of just one bad experience in a classroom.
A second very common unrealistic expectation is that gifted and talented children can take care of themselves. Parents and teachers, without realizing it, often neglect the gifted child and focus more on the "children that really need their help." Just because a gifted child may not be struggling with his/her homework as much as other children does not mean that he or she is not struggling with being included or accepted by his/her peers. Gifted children may be able to carry-on a conversation with an adult, but that does not reflect emotional maturity. What an adult would know as a teasing remark due to life experience, a gifted child may actually take that comment to heart and get his/her feelings hurt. An adult understands the "rules of engagement" in society but gifted children do not. They do not understand when to speak and when to be quiet about certain topics. Even though gifted children oftentimes come across as little adults, they are still very much (especially socially and emotionally) children.
Parental confidence at home in regard to rearing and disciplining a gifted child
Parents, here is some good news for you. If you ever question whether or not you are doing right by your child, you are not alone in that questioning. The majority of parents I have met at conferences, in my office, on the road, or even read about in the gifted research question whether or not they are raising-up their gifted and talented children correctly. Also, giftedness is a biological trait, thus your child got his/her gifts from, at least, one of the parents, and that gives you a 50/50 chance of being the parent who passed on the gifted gene. Lastly, through reading articles like this, talking with other parents, joining organizations like the Social and Emotional Needs of the Gifted (SENG) or any number of online resources, etc...you are educating yourself to be an even better parent and this will build your confidence as well. While you are educating yourself about your child's unique traits and gifts, here is some advice for you in regard to parenting gifted, talented, and creative children.
In regard to handling defiant behavior, realize that consistency works. You have to train a child (gifted or not) in the way he or she should behave in a variety of situations. It is ok to run around the yard yelling while playing soccer, but that is not acceptable in the middle of a Parent Teacher Association (PTA) meeting or at an organizational event such as church. Whether you believe in spanking or not is a personal choice, but in either case, please explain to your child (1) exactly what his/her behavior was that got him/her in trouble and (2) why that type of behavior is unacceptable. Please do this explaining without stating, "Because I said so." This is will only ignite their already built-in ability to have issues with authority.
Do not negotiate with your child over topics that you know you will not even consider budging upon. This only frustrates the child and a frustrated gifted child can be difficult to handle and reason with at times. If your child would rather rake the leaves then take out the trash, then negotiate on that,but if you have a strict policy on no swearing than do not allow the child to swear without consequences. Try to develop a routine of when to do homework, what weekly chores need to be completed, and how you are going to spend quality time with your child that day so he/she will not what is expected of him/her and not get confused in an environment of ambiguity.
Be genuine and honest with your child. Do not use excessive praise or inappropriate use of praise just to make them feel better about a situation, a grade, or anything. False praise will lead to a false sense of self-esteem and this can easily lead to a child developing a sense of entitlement and even narcissistic tendencies. Praise your child, but make sure that the praise is genuine. It will mean more to the child, to you, and it will build a sense of self-confidence in your children.
Lastly, give your child room to breathe. Parental over-involvement only hampers healthy development. Oftentimes, children who have what is known as "helicopter parents" begin to rebel while they are in high school or even middle school. They feel hurt that the helicopter parent does not trust them enough to let them have the freedom to live their own life and then come home and share with the family what they did that day. They want to be trustworthy, but they need you to help them by giving them opportunities to display that they are, indeed, trustworthy kids.
On the other hand, children who have a parent or parents that are overly involved in may develop a sense of codependence upon their parent(s) and never feel confident enough to take the initiative to be independent emotionally, socially, or even financially. A child in this predicament will not live up to his/her potential. Their emotional, social, and even, sometimes, financial growth is stunted and they could be well into adulthood before being able to take a risk on anything that does not directly involve their parents. Please do not be an obstacle in your gifted child's life by being overly involved with them. Enjoy your gifted children. They will grow-up to be some of your closest friends. Let them learn to fly on their own and then watch the show of their lives. You will be able to feel great pride in your children and they will honor you as they soar with their gifts.
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