5 Rules You Must Follow to Survive An Affair
If your spouse or significant other has been unfaithful, your life has been thrown into turmoil and emotional torment.
You may be uncertain whether the relationship can survive an affair.
Contained in this article are my "5 Rules for Surviving An Affair.
" Following these rules will make your transition through this difficult time smoother, although certainly not pain free.
And, if you think that maybe there's still hope for your relationship, following these rules is non-negotiable.
1.
Rule No.
1 - Don't Act Impulsively.
In order to survive an affair, the partners must refrain from acting impulsively in response to emotionally charged thought processes.
The time period immediately following the discovery of an affair is not an appropriate time to dig in and make irrevocable decisions about the future of the relationship.
This time period is also full of temptations to retaliate or seek revenge.
These behaviors, though understandable, will not help.
Quite the contrary, they will only serve to further undermine the relationship and to increase your own pain at the same time.
2.
Rule No.
2 - Avoid Substance Abuse.
After discovering a cheating spouse, people are often heard to say that they "just want to pain to go away.
" A cheating husband or cheating wife will certainly cause a great deal of pain, humiliation and embarrassment.
We naturally seek relief from these unpleasant feelings.
Some people will try to "drown their sorrows" in alcohol or other mind-altering substances, not realizing substance abuse is a crutch that will ultimately lead to even more pain.
Using alcohol or drugs to avoid the pain or ease its effects will actually reduce your ability to function.
Let's face it, the world is not going to stop because you are having a hard time.
Your employer still expects you to show up for work, and your family, especially your children, still require your functional presence.
3.
Rule No.
3 - Seek Support.
We have established that alcohol and other mind-altering substances are false friends, but you will need support.
This is not a time to try to go it alone.
Turn to friends and family who can act as good listeners, sounding boards, and provide general moral support.
There is a caution here, however.
Most of your family and friends are not qualified, by training or experience, to counsel you or give you advice about what you "should" do now that the affair has come to light.
While it is therapeutic to have people around you whom you trust, be sure that they understand that their role is not to offer advice, but rather to be good listeners and supportive companions.
4.
Rule No.
4 - Leave the Children Out of It (For Now).
Depending upon the ages of your children that may, or may not, be entirely possible, but children should not be brought into the discussion in these early stages.
If the children are older, they will know something is going on and you may find that answering some of their questions is unavoidable.
Remember, though, you are in a very emotional state.
You have to muster the strength to refrain from emotionally charged indictments of your spouse's conduct in front of the kids.
While you may at this moment think he or she is a low-life scum bag, that opinion should not be expressed in the presence of your children.
Although repression of emotions is generally unhealthy, in this instance you must try to keep your feelings of betrayal, anger and resentment to yourself, at least as far as your children are concerned.
5.
Rule No.
5 - Control Your Anger and Improve Your Communications.
You are angry - very angry.
This is a fact that can't be denied.
Even so, your inclination to unleash your anger on your unfaithful partner by yelling, screaming, throwing things, or even physical violence is not appropriate - especially if there's still a chance that you want to salvage the marriage.
If you and your spouse/partner are going to survive an affair, the one indispensable skill is the ability to open honest lines of communication between you without the accusations and condemnations that are normally a part of these situations.
It's a tall order to be sure, but essential.
Another common mistake arising from your anger is to verbally attack the "other woman" or "other man.
" Although he or she certainly is a player in this drama, the reality is that the other person is only a bit player.
That person is probably not the real cause of the marital breakdown.
Long-existing problems have more than likely been festering beneath the surface of your relationship for quite some time.
The affair is just the manifestation of these underlying problems.
To survive an affair, both spouses must be prepared to take some responsibility for the problems that exist and be willing to seek ways to address and resolve those problems.
If you are unable to develop effective communication, it is probable that the relationship will fail.
You must do what you can to be sure that doesn't happen prematurely as a result of a failure in communication between you and your spouse at this critical crossroads.
You may be uncertain whether the relationship can survive an affair.
Contained in this article are my "5 Rules for Surviving An Affair.
" Following these rules will make your transition through this difficult time smoother, although certainly not pain free.
And, if you think that maybe there's still hope for your relationship, following these rules is non-negotiable.
1.
Rule No.
1 - Don't Act Impulsively.
In order to survive an affair, the partners must refrain from acting impulsively in response to emotionally charged thought processes.
The time period immediately following the discovery of an affair is not an appropriate time to dig in and make irrevocable decisions about the future of the relationship.
This time period is also full of temptations to retaliate or seek revenge.
These behaviors, though understandable, will not help.
Quite the contrary, they will only serve to further undermine the relationship and to increase your own pain at the same time.
2.
Rule No.
2 - Avoid Substance Abuse.
After discovering a cheating spouse, people are often heard to say that they "just want to pain to go away.
" A cheating husband or cheating wife will certainly cause a great deal of pain, humiliation and embarrassment.
We naturally seek relief from these unpleasant feelings.
Some people will try to "drown their sorrows" in alcohol or other mind-altering substances, not realizing substance abuse is a crutch that will ultimately lead to even more pain.
Using alcohol or drugs to avoid the pain or ease its effects will actually reduce your ability to function.
Let's face it, the world is not going to stop because you are having a hard time.
Your employer still expects you to show up for work, and your family, especially your children, still require your functional presence.
3.
Rule No.
3 - Seek Support.
We have established that alcohol and other mind-altering substances are false friends, but you will need support.
This is not a time to try to go it alone.
Turn to friends and family who can act as good listeners, sounding boards, and provide general moral support.
There is a caution here, however.
Most of your family and friends are not qualified, by training or experience, to counsel you or give you advice about what you "should" do now that the affair has come to light.
While it is therapeutic to have people around you whom you trust, be sure that they understand that their role is not to offer advice, but rather to be good listeners and supportive companions.
4.
Rule No.
4 - Leave the Children Out of It (For Now).
Depending upon the ages of your children that may, or may not, be entirely possible, but children should not be brought into the discussion in these early stages.
If the children are older, they will know something is going on and you may find that answering some of their questions is unavoidable.
Remember, though, you are in a very emotional state.
You have to muster the strength to refrain from emotionally charged indictments of your spouse's conduct in front of the kids.
While you may at this moment think he or she is a low-life scum bag, that opinion should not be expressed in the presence of your children.
Although repression of emotions is generally unhealthy, in this instance you must try to keep your feelings of betrayal, anger and resentment to yourself, at least as far as your children are concerned.
5.
Rule No.
5 - Control Your Anger and Improve Your Communications.
You are angry - very angry.
This is a fact that can't be denied.
Even so, your inclination to unleash your anger on your unfaithful partner by yelling, screaming, throwing things, or even physical violence is not appropriate - especially if there's still a chance that you want to salvage the marriage.
If you and your spouse/partner are going to survive an affair, the one indispensable skill is the ability to open honest lines of communication between you without the accusations and condemnations that are normally a part of these situations.
It's a tall order to be sure, but essential.
Another common mistake arising from your anger is to verbally attack the "other woman" or "other man.
" Although he or she certainly is a player in this drama, the reality is that the other person is only a bit player.
That person is probably not the real cause of the marital breakdown.
Long-existing problems have more than likely been festering beneath the surface of your relationship for quite some time.
The affair is just the manifestation of these underlying problems.
To survive an affair, both spouses must be prepared to take some responsibility for the problems that exist and be willing to seek ways to address and resolve those problems.
If you are unable to develop effective communication, it is probable that the relationship will fail.
You must do what you can to be sure that doesn't happen prematurely as a result of a failure in communication between you and your spouse at this critical crossroads.
Source...