Use Your Wedding to Build Your Marriage
During the months prior to your wedding day it is easy to forget that you are building more than a wedding - you are building your marriage.
It sounds ominous, but it is really a great opportunity.
During the period of time when you plan your wedding you can learn more about each other's strengths and weaknesses than you probably have had an opportunity to learn before.
That knowledge, in turn, will provide you with a good start as you build your marriage.
The key, though, is to remember that your first job is to build your marriage - even above the wedding.
She Says Far too often brides note that their groom is not approaching the preparations for the wedding the same way that she does and forgets that there is a real difference in the way men and women approach the tasks of life.
Instead they assume his apparent silence means he does not care about the wedding.
He Says At the same time, when the groom sees his bride-to-be click into planning mode he finds that he is engaged to someone totally different from the woman he thought he knew.
As a result he often withdraws or redirects his attention as he tries to regain his balance.
Unfortunately, this problem is reinforced by stereotypes within society making it a self fulfilling prophecy.
How? Simply put, the bride in our culture has taken ownership of the wedding and in doing so a message has been broadcast to men in every corner of America that the wedding is for her - hands off.
So the average guy complies.
He develops a practiced disinterest in wedding preparations.
That makes it easier for them to deal with having their desires be ignored on one of the biggest days of their life too.
The answer is incredibly easy, and at the same time very difficult in light of the fact that most guys have been convinced that they have no right to have a say in their wedding until the honeymoon starts.
Simply put, you can build your marriage and solve this problem at the same time by taking the time to convince your future husband that you really are interested in what he wants your wedding to look like.
So what you need to do is talk to him.
Take him out to lunch and convince him that you really do want to know what he wants his wedding to look like as well as what parts of the wedding planning process he is interested in.
Become a student of him.
Look for aspects of the wedding planning process that cater to his strengths and interests.
Does he like to play with his high tech toys? If so look for jobs that he can do electronically, like maintaining a website that will allow you to share your wedding information with your guests as your plans grow and manage your RSVP's as well as making it possible for you to have access to all your wedding plans from anywhere you have internet access.
Do Not Assume Anything Assumptions kill communication and communication is the lifeblood of every relationship.
Yes, you may have been dreaming of a big church wedding with two photographers, a videographer, calla lilies, a catering team, a D.
J.
, and a pillared five tiered wedding.
But that might not be a format he can be comfortable with.
Do you want him to look back on your wedding with fondness? Then you need to find out what he wants and learn to compromise and work together.
Use this time to find ways to make your strengths match his as you learn to work toward a goal.
Marriage is quite probably the most rewarding hard work you can find.
Do not neglect your marriage, or worse, damage your marriage simply because of a tight timeline.
Take the to take the time to open the lines of communication with your future husband.
You are establishing habits within your relationship everyday and closing him out of something as big as your wedding preparation could very well establish a precedent and attitudes that could undo the relationship you are spending so much time, effort, and money celebrating.
It's true.
You did not fall in love with a detached, uncaring oaf.
It is entirely possible, however, that he will begin to act like he does not care about the wedding if you do not take the time to talk to him, study him, and help him be the man he was made to be.
The good news is that the effort will be worth it.
Even if you never manage to get him to help or even believe you care.
Societal conditioning is too strong for many men so it is possible you won't be able to overcome it, but at least you will have laid a foundation on which trust and communication can happen in your marriage building efforts for years to come.
It sounds ominous, but it is really a great opportunity.
During the period of time when you plan your wedding you can learn more about each other's strengths and weaknesses than you probably have had an opportunity to learn before.
That knowledge, in turn, will provide you with a good start as you build your marriage.
The key, though, is to remember that your first job is to build your marriage - even above the wedding.
She Says Far too often brides note that their groom is not approaching the preparations for the wedding the same way that she does and forgets that there is a real difference in the way men and women approach the tasks of life.
Instead they assume his apparent silence means he does not care about the wedding.
He Says At the same time, when the groom sees his bride-to-be click into planning mode he finds that he is engaged to someone totally different from the woman he thought he knew.
As a result he often withdraws or redirects his attention as he tries to regain his balance.
Unfortunately, this problem is reinforced by stereotypes within society making it a self fulfilling prophecy.
How? Simply put, the bride in our culture has taken ownership of the wedding and in doing so a message has been broadcast to men in every corner of America that the wedding is for her - hands off.
So the average guy complies.
He develops a practiced disinterest in wedding preparations.
That makes it easier for them to deal with having their desires be ignored on one of the biggest days of their life too.
The answer is incredibly easy, and at the same time very difficult in light of the fact that most guys have been convinced that they have no right to have a say in their wedding until the honeymoon starts.
Simply put, you can build your marriage and solve this problem at the same time by taking the time to convince your future husband that you really are interested in what he wants your wedding to look like.
So what you need to do is talk to him.
Take him out to lunch and convince him that you really do want to know what he wants his wedding to look like as well as what parts of the wedding planning process he is interested in.
Become a student of him.
Look for aspects of the wedding planning process that cater to his strengths and interests.
Does he like to play with his high tech toys? If so look for jobs that he can do electronically, like maintaining a website that will allow you to share your wedding information with your guests as your plans grow and manage your RSVP's as well as making it possible for you to have access to all your wedding plans from anywhere you have internet access.
Do Not Assume Anything Assumptions kill communication and communication is the lifeblood of every relationship.
Yes, you may have been dreaming of a big church wedding with two photographers, a videographer, calla lilies, a catering team, a D.
J.
, and a pillared five tiered wedding.
But that might not be a format he can be comfortable with.
Do you want him to look back on your wedding with fondness? Then you need to find out what he wants and learn to compromise and work together.
Use this time to find ways to make your strengths match his as you learn to work toward a goal.
Marriage is quite probably the most rewarding hard work you can find.
Do not neglect your marriage, or worse, damage your marriage simply because of a tight timeline.
Take the to take the time to open the lines of communication with your future husband.
You are establishing habits within your relationship everyday and closing him out of something as big as your wedding preparation could very well establish a precedent and attitudes that could undo the relationship you are spending so much time, effort, and money celebrating.
It's true.
You did not fall in love with a detached, uncaring oaf.
It is entirely possible, however, that he will begin to act like he does not care about the wedding if you do not take the time to talk to him, study him, and help him be the man he was made to be.
The good news is that the effort will be worth it.
Even if you never manage to get him to help or even believe you care.
Societal conditioning is too strong for many men so it is possible you won't be able to overcome it, but at least you will have laid a foundation on which trust and communication can happen in your marriage building efforts for years to come.
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