How to Take a Breather in an Argument
Married people argue. It's a fact of life, and one that newlyweds quickly learn they cannot escape. Even those with the best of relationships are going to disagree every now and then. Sometimes, you're going to yell. You shouldn't. But you will. It's human nature. Once in a while we all lose our cool. When you start raising your voice, it's time to give yourself a time out.
This is harder than it sounds. I know. When I was in the throes of an argument with my husband back at the start of our relationship, I always wanted to resolve whatever disagreement was afoot right then and there. Hubby preferred to give me the silent treatment and let everything fester, which would only make me angrier. It wasn't until a year or two into our relationship that I realized I needed to start taking breathers when arguments got heated. Once I did, the fighting almost never escalated to the boiling point anymore. Here's what to do once you know things are going too far:
One of the easiest ways to cool off when you are about to blow your top is walk away. Leave the house. Go out the door, breathe in the fresh air, and walk around the block a few times. It's a chance to clear your head. Also, removing yourself from the situation - and the spouse with whom you are arguing - and getting your blood flowing by moving will help you calm down. It also provides perspective because after a few rounds around the block, you start to forget what made you so mad in the first place. Then, you can return and talk more rationally.
The bathroom is the place to go when you are about to burst into tears. Cry it out in privacy without your spouse. Wash your face and pull yourself together. The tears might be just the release you need. Often, when the fight triggers crying, you are more sad or disappointed than you are mad in the first place. So, it might be easier to gain your composure after you let your emotions free. Then, you can return to a discussion like mature adults. By the way, there's nothing wrong with crying (even for you husbands out there).
Inhale. Exhale. We've all heard this one before. Sometimes, taking a few deep breaths is all it takes to refocus your energy and put the anger on the back burner. You might even find it helpful to breath and stretch at the same time. As you breath, think about your spouse's endearing qualities to distract you from your desire to ring his or her neck.
Most of us are reasonable and not at all violent. But sometimes your spouse knows just what buttons to push and emotions run wild. When you feel like you're going to explode because your anger is overwhelming, walk into your bedroom or living room, pick up a pillow and punch it. Use it like a punching bag if you have to. The release will help you release the emotion, which will allow you to think clearly again. If you're this angry, you might consider waiting to go back to resolve the conflict even if the punches have you feeling a little bit better.
When emotions are running high, you risk saying things you don't mean and can't take back. In these instances, the smart and mature solution is to agree to disagree for the moment. Schedule a time to pick up the argument. Make sure it's when you both are free and emotionally able to handle whatever emotions this issue riles up.
This is harder than it sounds. I know. When I was in the throes of an argument with my husband back at the start of our relationship, I always wanted to resolve whatever disagreement was afoot right then and there. Hubby preferred to give me the silent treatment and let everything fester, which would only make me angrier. It wasn't until a year or two into our relationship that I realized I needed to start taking breathers when arguments got heated. Once I did, the fighting almost never escalated to the boiling point anymore. Here's what to do once you know things are going too far:
1. Take a walk.
One of the easiest ways to cool off when you are about to blow your top is walk away. Leave the house. Go out the door, breathe in the fresh air, and walk around the block a few times. It's a chance to clear your head. Also, removing yourself from the situation - and the spouse with whom you are arguing - and getting your blood flowing by moving will help you calm down. It also provides perspective because after a few rounds around the block, you start to forget what made you so mad in the first place. Then, you can return and talk more rationally.
2. Head to the bathroom.
The bathroom is the place to go when you are about to burst into tears. Cry it out in privacy without your spouse. Wash your face and pull yourself together. The tears might be just the release you need. Often, when the fight triggers crying, you are more sad or disappointed than you are mad in the first place. So, it might be easier to gain your composure after you let your emotions free. Then, you can return to a discussion like mature adults. By the way, there's nothing wrong with crying (even for you husbands out there).
3. Perform a deep breathing exercise.
Inhale. Exhale. We've all heard this one before. Sometimes, taking a few deep breaths is all it takes to refocus your energy and put the anger on the back burner. You might even find it helpful to breath and stretch at the same time. As you breath, think about your spouse's endearing qualities to distract you from your desire to ring his or her neck.
4. Punch a pillow.
Most of us are reasonable and not at all violent. But sometimes your spouse knows just what buttons to push and emotions run wild. When you feel like you're going to explode because your anger is overwhelming, walk into your bedroom or living room, pick up a pillow and punch it. Use it like a punching bag if you have to. The release will help you release the emotion, which will allow you to think clearly again. If you're this angry, you might consider waiting to go back to resolve the conflict even if the punches have you feeling a little bit better.
5. Mutually agree to pick this up later.
When emotions are running high, you risk saying things you don't mean and can't take back. In these instances, the smart and mature solution is to agree to disagree for the moment. Schedule a time to pick up the argument. Make sure it's when you both are free and emotionally able to handle whatever emotions this issue riles up.
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