So you want to feel less shy and more confident in social settings? Do you feel like excessive shyness is one of your worst enemies? Then let's get started with this top 10 list because accepting your shyness as an "ok" aspect of who you are actually reduces the symptoms.
1.
"Yeah, I have excessive shyness and social anxiety reactions.
Do you have a problem with that?" If you have read many of my articles on social anxiety symptoms this mentality may surprise you because of my tendency to talk about "going to battle with social anxiety" and all that.
But there is a big difference between making a battle plan to fight symptoms verses hating yourself or some aspect of yourself.
If you adopt a "So what if I have shy traits" attitude, you will protect yourself against worsening symptoms that can come from trying to hide your symptoms from other people.
A classic example of what I'm talking about is the tendency for people with excessive shyness to turn into people with excessive blushing and the fear of blushing.
It happens because a person's attitude is one of embarrassed horror at themselves for blushing about some little thing (often accompanied by a remark from someone that you are blushing).
Think about how this would go differently if you were to react to your extroverted friend's comment about your blush by turning to face them and saying, "Yes...
I blush easily.
It's part of what makes me who I am.
I'm extremely tuned-in to social dynamics and the thoughts that others are having.
It's part of what makes me who I am.
If you don't like it, that's your problem.
" You don't actually have to say something this aggressive, but just thinking it to yourself will help you to adopt attitude number one.
2.
"I value people and relationships.
I want to deepen my relationships by being real and skipping some of the formal fluff.
" Have you ever noticed that extraverted people (socially outgoing people) seem to have this attitude? Not everyone who is extraverted is this way, but it does seem to be a trend.
Why? I think the reason is that they don't have many fears about what people will see when they peer into their mind and life (because they are used to it).
For those of us who experience excessive shyness, it is important to get used to allowing people to know our thoughts and "the real me," instead of putting forth the formal, "correct self" that we feel compelled to present.
This concept is based on the finding that people often fear the unknown, and allowing people to see the real you does occasionally lead to criticism and a feelings of being "exposed.
" But we become less sensitive to that once we experience it a few times in the context of the overshadowing joy of letting people know us more deeply.
3.
"I have more important things to do than impress people.
" This is my favorite attitude shift because it's the one that seems to yield the fasted results in terms of lessening the feeling of pressure to not mess up or do something embarrassing.
This method only works if you actually do have more important things to do than impress people.
If you don't, get on the ball and write down your valued directions (the things that you would care about even on your death bed).
By bringing your mind back to what you are here for, you decrease the seeming importance of making the right impression on others.
This causes an automatic down-shift in your tendency to feel shy (which is mostly rooted in a fear of making a mistake that would bring embarrassment or shame).
4.
"I am not defined by what other people think about me.
I am defined by what my valued directions are.
" This attitudinal shift builds on the last one with regard to valued directions.
The important point here is that you purposely define your sense of self in terms of the values and life-directions that you pursue rather than as a conglomeration of the ideas that other people have formed about you.
These last two attitude shifts are rooted in a philosophical shift that has been occurring in the field of psychotherapy.
The movement is associated with the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy methods which emphasize living more fully while accepting problems for what they are in the present moment.
5.
"Any effort I make to go beyond my social comfort zone will pay off later, so I'm okay with feeling a little uncomfortable now.
" This mentality supports the efforts that you will take to undermine excessive shyness by expanding the boundaries of your comfort zone.
You will only become more comfortable in the long run by investing effort in the present circumstances you face.
You will never get to the future, so take action now.
6.
"I will succeed at becoming less anxious no matter what.
" This attitude is crucial for any endeavor that you are serious about succeeding with.
It has to do with being certain that your efforts will pay off.
Developing a sense of certainty that you will achieve your desired outcome if you persist long enough and hard enough will allow you to do just that (persist long and hard).
If you lack certainty that your efforts will pay off, you are destined to quit the first time you run into hardship.
Persistence in facing down your shy reactions is key.
You will only persist if you purposefully adopt and attitude of certainty that you will become more confident and outgoing no matter what.
7.
"It's my approval that matters, not theirs.
I am the dominant ape.
" Evolutionary psychologists and geneticists believe that a root value in the genes that cause some of us to be shy and socially inhibited is that those genes kept us out of trouble with the dominant figures in our clan.
Monkeys and apes have been studied to observe how this trait ends up protecting the monkey or ape from fights or rejection that could damage the chances of survival.
So you might think of that inhibited feeling as an evolutionary echo in your brain from a time when you were lucky to have it.
If you adopt a mentality like, "I'm the one in charge here and it's my opinion that matters," you will find that the inhibition subsides to a moderate degree.
Keep going with this by focusing on your own thoughts and judgments about others (to replace your fears about how they are evaluating you) and you will go even further in reducing your sense of social anxiety.
8.
"There's plenty of room on this planet for me to start over as many times as I need.
" I don't actually want you to run from your problems, but having the mentality that you could if you really needed to is helpful because it tends to lower your obsessive focus on your social fears and insecurities.
9.
"I can control my actions even if I cannot control my feelings.
Shyness is only a feeling until I let it control my actions.
" Some people with feelings of shyness and social anxiety end up giving their feelings way too much emphasis when they evaluate their lot in life.
They feel stuck because they can't seem to "feel" less shy and they keep waiting for that to happen.
Here's your wakeup call: It won't happen by waiting.
You've got to practice acting more socially outgoing and dominant (by acting I mean both on the outside and on the inside).
By exposing yourself to the fear of rejection and ridicule, while actively saying, "It's my life and my judgments that matter, not theirs," you gradually begin to feel less anxious.
Take action first, feel the change later! 10.
"I will laugh at life.
" Laughter is the great eraser of stress and anxiety.
When you are actively laughing at yourself for feeling anxious, making a social blunder, or whatever, you are, for that moment, free.
I have noticed a tendency for shy people to be too serious (in their mentality) when they are actively involved in social situations that trigger their anxiety.
The anxiety causes an instinctual inhibition (that quiet feeling you get), which kills spontaneous laughter.
If you can adopt the attitude, "I will laugh at life," you will gradually find ways to laugh and enjoy the humor of your predicaments, which, in turn, will lead to lessening inhibition and more laughter.