In reading Phil Hu's book, Finding Meaning, his section on Shame made so much sense.
I was going to write about that this month, but somehow it seemed too heavy.
As often happens when I set my intention to write, something comes to me, in an email or in a conversation or just out of the blue, to head me in the right direction.
It gave the idea of shame a slightly different focus, so bear with me to the end.
This feels like the month of releasing.
Release the hold that shame has on you - the hold that you may not even recognize.
Mr.
Hu states, on page 61, "Shame is the key to control.
It enslaves identity.
It is the feeling of 'being less than'.
It is the emotion of inner lack.
It is self-hatred.
Guilt cripples action.
Shame crushes identity.
Guilt feels temporary.
Shame feels permanent.
Shame is the key because it controls others from within themselves.
To control someone, you must first humiliate him.
The shame will destroy his confidence.
No self confidence equals no self-control.
" Children are born confident.
They have two needs (in the opinion of John Bradshaw), they need to believe their parents are okay, and that they (the children) matter.
The first time the child triggers a shamed wound in the parent, the threat is crushed by shaming the child for having the need.
Remember, the child has two choices, which will she pick? Often she will eat the shame and give up the need to matter, which makes the parents okay again and balance is restored.
Pretty soon it is a habit to eat the shame just to keep the balance and she begins to believe at some level that it is more important to keep the peace than it is to matter.
Think about how that one decision will affect her if she doesn't reexamine it and change it - it becomes her reality.
We play our own part in that scenario.
If shame controls from within, who is really in charge of that within-ness? Are we allowing and accepting not only what we think is someone else's opinion of us, but the sometimes negative opinion that we espouse of ourselves? Where did it come from? Who let that draught of cold air into our being, our soul? If we are vigilant, it can't get in.
We accept the opinion of others about ourselves only to the extent it feels right, and if we already have a low or negative opinion of our worth, then aren't we quite willing to accept that reinforcement from others? We can only dislike ourselves as much as we agree to - we only accept disrespect from others to the degree we accept it from ourselves.
What if we decide that from this day forward we are going to look differently at what reflects back to us in the mirror, that we are going to see the good instead of the curl that goes awry or the wart or the special tooth? Deep down inside, aren't we good? Aren't we worthy? Aren't we loveable? If you can't say unequivocally yes, then ask yourself...
why not? Who told you you aren't good or worthy or loveable? Children are born confident They trust.
Again from Finding Meaning: "Trust makes control unnecessary, but patriarchy values control.
To get control, fear is necessary.
To instill fear, lack is necessary.
To create lack, shame is necessary.
" And so it goes full circle.
Maybe you always expected your parents or teachers or friends to tell you how great you are.
Isn't that their job? In a perfect world, yes.
However, if you didn't have (in your mind) the perfect childhood, this is your chance to re-parent yourself and change the tapes you keep playing in your mind.
I don't know about you, but I don't live in Lack, I live in Shoreline.
Today's message from Neale Donald Walsch said, "The world is an abundant place; abundant with opportunity, abundant with good fortune, abundant with ideas and abundant with love.
Reach into that abundance and take what is rightfully yours.
Let yourself have it.
Do not be content with so little.
Reach, stretch for something big.
" I hope you now have a new view of shame and where it came from.
Do you really want to keep carrying that undeserved shame around in your backpack? Wouldn't it be better to recognize it and realize you don't want to be that person that just stuffed it down so you could be someone who you weren't meant to be? Reach deep inside, way into the recesses where you have hidden your original thoughts of being loved and worthy, back to when they were pure and acceptable to you, and bring them to the surface.
You deserve to remember that you are in control of your thoughts and your attitudes about yourself.
You are awesome.
You are unique.
You are special.
You are so easy to love.
And don't you ever forget it.
One of my favorite bumper stickers is: Let me be the person my dog thinks I am.
Why not start now? Only you can take that first step.
I challenge you to do it - today!